TO: Sigma, SUBJECT: Crush Crawfish

Crawfish is having trouble adjusting to his life on the shipyard. He is an excellent worker but while he delivers on his promise to kill all Maverick Hunters on sight, he frequently fights with his co-workers and has been physically violent with Volt Catfish and the Maverick known as Vile. (I'm no fan of Vile's, but I believe he could prove useful and anyway, he knows I can scrap him whenever I want.)

I consulted with psychiatric experts about Crawfish's condition and we decided that the best course of treatment would be for Crawfish to interact with other life forms. Of course, since he is so unstable, face-to-face interactions would almost certainly result in the death of the other person(s). As a result, we decided to have Crawfish run an advice column which we believe will trigger what's left of his suffering circuit and eventually compel him to behave responsibly on behalf of Doppler's Army. Both the original letters and Crawfish's responses will be posted to a website, similar to what humans did in the pre-robotics era.

I have no reservations about this psychiatric treatment and I am confident that at its end, Crawfish will only target the enemies of Sigma and avoid counterproductive violence.

Dr. Doppler
MM/DD/2125

Die. Die. Die.

Dear CrushCrawfishRules1171,

I'd say "Dream on!" but it's a) already been said and b) I'm supposed to be working on myself, according to Dr. Doppler. That means not titling my replies "Die. Die. Die" but you understand, don't you? You seem to think it's cool. If you really want to be like me, come by my psychiatric cell. You tell me how much you heart me. I'll tell you how much I hate you. And in the course of a productive cathartic discussion I'll kill you. Because... wait, we don't promote killing Reploids either? What DO we promote? Wait I'm not done Doppler I'm gonna ki

Sincerely,

Crush Crawfish
Destruction God of the Seven Seas
Abandoned Warehouse, DoppleTown
Posted by Crush Crawfish 0 comments

I HEART YOU!!

Dear Crush Crawfish,

You're my hero! I wanna be just like you! I mean, you rule!! You don't take $@&!! from anybody!! Ain't nobody talk smack to you and live to talk about it!!! Tell me how I can change my daily routine to bring more of the Crush Crawfish essence into my life!!!

Love,

CrushCrawfishRules1171

MH Light Infantry
Barracks #7217
Maverick Hunter Headquarters
Posted by Crush Crawfish 0 comments
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What's Wrong With You?

Dear Lonelyhuman0214,

The first step to a healthy relationship is being proactive. Can't get a reploid to like you? Buy an energy cage and immobilize him/her until s/he changes her mind. Can't get a human to like you? Well, I don't know what to do about that, but you can kill them to make sure they don't like anyone else. One of my coworkers maintains that a captive or dead date still counts as a date, so there you go. And if you're one of those weird X-types who thinks violence is wrong, it's not like violence never occurs on Valentine's Day. There was a massacre once. It's ancient history now. I think seven people died. Wait, seven? What the hell? That's not a massacre! That's not even a slaughter!

I must address the misuse of these words now. Anyway, I recommend going Maverick. We're never hurting for dates. Even when we hurt them.

Sincerely,

Crush Crawfish
Destruction God of the Seven Seas
Abandoned Warehouse, DoppleTown
Posted by Crush Crawfish 1 comments
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Alone on Valentine's Day

02/14/2125
Dear Crush Crawfish,

I'm a single human living in Neo New York. I don't think I'm very picky but I just can't find a date! Those Maverick Hunters are super cute and since most of them go Maverick, Mavericks must be really hot too, right? I'm very liberal and am open to a relationship with a human or reploid but I don't know if I'm ready to commit to going Maverick for love (yet). I'm really desperate.

I understand that you're also struggling to maintain healthy relationships so I thought I would receive more practical advice from you than from MaverickAbby. Do you or your co-workers have any advice for me?

Sincerely,

Lonelyhuman0214
Posted by Crush Crawfish 0 comments
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