Dear Lonelyhuman0214,
The first step to a healthy relationship is being proactive. Can't get a reploid to like you? Buy an energy cage and immobilize him/her until s/he changes her mind. Can't get a human to like you? Well, I don't know what to do about that, but you can kill them to make sure they don't like anyone else. One of my coworkers maintains that a captive or dead date still counts as a date, so there you go. And if you're one of those weird X-types who thinks violence is wrong, it's not like violence never occurs on Valentine's Day. There was a massacre once. It's ancient history now. I think seven people died. Wait, seven? What the hell? That's not a massacre! That's not even a slaughter!
I must address the misuse of these words now. Anyway, I recommend going Maverick. We're never hurting for dates. Even when we hurt them.
Sincerely,
Crush Crawfish
Destruction God of the Seven Seas
Abandoned Warehouse, DoppleTown
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Warning! Warning! Warning!
TO: Sigma, SUBJECT: Crush Crawfish
Crawfish is having trouble adjusting to his life on the shipyard. He is an excellent worker but while he delivers on his promise to kill all Maverick Hunters on sight, he frequently fights with his co-workers and has been physically violent with Volt Catfish and the Maverick known as Vile. (I'm no fan of Vile's, but I believe he could prove useful and anyway, he knows I can scrap him whenever I want.)
I consulted with psychiatric experts about Crawfish's condition and we decided that the best course of treatment would be for Crawfish to interact with other life forms. Of course, since he is so unstable, face-to-face interactions would almost certainly result in the death of the other person(s). As a result, we decided to have Crawfish run an advice column which we believe will trigger what's left of his suffering circuit and eventually compel him to behave responsibly on behalf of Doppler's Army. Both the original letters and Crawfish's responses will be posted to a website, similar to what humans did in the pre-robotics era.
I have no reservations about this psychiatric treatment and I am confident that at its end, Crawfish will only target the enemies of Sigma and avoid counterproductive violence.
Dr. Doppler
MM/DD/2125
I consulted with psychiatric experts about Crawfish's condition and we decided that the best course of treatment would be for Crawfish to interact with other life forms. Of course, since he is so unstable, face-to-face interactions would almost certainly result in the death of the other person(s). As a result, we decided to have Crawfish run an advice column which we believe will trigger what's left of his suffering circuit and eventually compel him to behave responsibly on behalf of Doppler's Army. Both the original letters and Crawfish's responses will be posted to a website, similar to what humans did in the pre-robotics era.
I have no reservations about this psychiatric treatment and I am confident that at its end, Crawfish will only target the enemies of Sigma and avoid counterproductive violence.
Dr. Doppler
MM/DD/2125
About The Author
- Crush Crawfish
- The Shipyard, DopplerTown
- Currently undergoing psychiatric treatment. Unavailable to comment on recent Maverick uprising. Will kill if provoked.
Likes
- Freedom
- Violence
- Friendly Fire
- Collateral damage
Dislikes
- Warehouses
- Thunder
- Everyone
Patient Progress Report #1
ReplyDeleteCrawfish is espousing Maverick ideals but has forgotten that we do not publicly promote the killing of humans. (This is something our PR representative has discussed with him many times.) After all, when the humans are up in arms, our progressive movement suffers. The death of humans is a byproduct of our War, it is not our ultimate goal.
Finally, I'm not sure why Crawfish mentioned his coworker's suggestion here. If I'm correct in my assumption, he doesn't even like that person and this advice is hardly healthy or sound. We will encourage* Crawfish to avoid discussing letters with his colleagues and therefore ensure the integrity of this experiment.
*reprogram